"In life we face many different obstacles and challenges within ourselves. Some are different than others and some are the same. What I've learned is everybody has a battle. In order to win YOU have to fight. Fear of the unknown is a human feeling. Not knowing whether that battle you'll win or you will lose, always know determination is key. The dictionary defines "determination" as a quality that makes you continue trying to do or try to achieve something different. You have to be determined to win this battle no matter how hard life may seem to be. In the end, the battle you are fighting will look so easy. You're going to smile and realize life isn't so hard after all, God is putting you to a test to see if you will fail or will you ace it. God is preparing you to see if you can handle the bigger battles life brings. In life you will deal with a lot of obstacles, some are going to be easy, some will be hard. What you do with those battles is decide to never quit. There will be trials you will think is never going to get better. Be mindful that time takes care of many things. Life requires patience with the willingness to simply wait. Every question we all ask, " Will it be worth it?" Oftentimes the desire to quit and throw in the towel of defeat seems to be our only answer. Every test is a part of your testimony. Your resolve must be strong enough to handle the burden. The challenge is never as bad as it seems, my guarantee to you. Life requires you to learn new lessons by experience. God's preparing you so you can be well enabled to adapt. Every problem or obstacle you've faced, has been presented to you for the purpose of teaching life lessons that will allow you to be greater. Have clarity of thought as you progress forward along your journey towards the attainment of your goals and objectives. Know who you are with assured confidence.
Trust me, I know I've been there before. It took me almost seventeen years (now I'm eighteen) of my life to understand. In order to win you must be willing to fight. The other lesson; is knowing that it's going to take as long to repair any situation, almost or possibly double, the time it took to get there. For me, I endured many long days and nights uncertain, filled with tears but still fighting. Determination to stay the journey for my peace and finding myself eventually. I almost surrendered to hope because I thought it was all just a fairytale. A fairytale I could not see. I cried and cried because I couldn't understand why my life was not where I wanted it to be. I remembered the wise words once told, " Bend but refuse to break!" Today, the realization of being a quitter exists no more. But without that lesson, there would be no blog to share, no joyous smiles to wear and the meaning of a true warrior would not be as clear. One morning sitting on my bed and I told myself "This isn't you!" What I meant by that was I am not a failure, I am not a quitter. It took me several years to arise from my bed and say, "this will be my last day to except defeat." I didn't care how long it took for me to shake this pain from me . Shake the demons that I had been feeling inside, out of my mind and off of my body. I say this to say to you, "Life is a gamble. It is not about who arrives at their destination first, be determined to simply get there. It's all about winning. Never about quitting or giving up." Quitting is for the weak and you, are strong. Wisdom has taught me that if my tomorrow comes, it is a chance to make my today better!
1 Comment
Maybe I should've thought about the things I did and how they could affect another human-being? But I just didn't give a damn, never thought about another person's feelings because my life was so jammed. I was a bully. I was careless, selfish. What I didn't know is, I could've made my baby sister take her own, all because of the "damaged" me.
Remember those days we used to play in the sand, run to the park and hold hands, making silly faces as we danced? I wasn't too far in age with my baby sister. Just 2 1/2 years apart. Of course, I was the oldest, she was the baby or as we called her the "chocolate baby", She was the precious little girl who was spoiled and rotten. I would dress up with her and we would be the "twin sisters" , at least that's what most people thought. Although we never looked anything alike, we just dressed alike. I loved the fact I could grow up with a sibling (a girl at that). We could play dress up Barbie and sleep in our Princess tents. Our favorite celebrity was Hannah Montana. I cherish and was closest to my baby sister the most. She was more of the Cinderella girl but we didn't mind wearing our wigs and staying up all night. I must admit I was cruel and she was naïve, I never understood why? Why was I so mean to you? Why I treated you as if I disliked you so much? I felt as if you were more noticed than me. Like I was an outsider and I regret the fact I felt that way. So many times I honestly needed you an still need you. Truthfully, my heart now understands why you never came. But it wasn't you didn't come, you didn't know. The ugly truth, I disliked you for being you. I never hated you. I hated myself. if anything. Numerous days of being so angry with you. My mind never forgot how often I chased you around with a knife feeling rage. Punching you and giving you permanent scratches, bruises; lifetime scars physically and mentally. The first time I seen you cry actual tears you were five and I, seven. You begged me to stop standing in the street waiting for a car to run into me. Feeling suicidal, I did the opposite of what you said screaming your lungs out saying, "PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!" For ten years now, I have wished everyday I could go back and change everything I did to "you", to "us", to "mom" (she loved us unconditionally)! Today, I am still trying to turn the bad memories into good. I was to be your protector. To be there when you felt unsafe. Hold you close even in the darkest days. But I failed then and did the total opposite- I left you filled with so many scars within your heart. Worst than any bully at your school, I made you the distant person you are today. How I wish we were children again? Our fights wouldn't be so ugly. It wasn't fair for you to endure so much starting at the tender age of five. Nothing is fair for me to excuse my wronging's. What I have figured out to be true, "hurt people unknowingly hurt others especially those closest." Never have I blamed you for leaving, but I wish you were here! Each passing day, I pray you were here to stay. Just wishing one more chance so I can be a better sister. Comforting you and making sure you are okay. To tell you, "I'm sorry and I'll never hurt you another day." Life has changed and we have grown but I hold you dearest to my heart! Everyday I am sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you; the tears I made you cry, I’m sorry for bringing you down. People say not to look at the glass as half empty but half full and today, I do. Although it already feels too late, mom always said, "just wait for tomorrow." Now I understand that. The meaning is so much deeper. This is my public apology. The one thing I never gave you. Never apologizing for traumatizing is a daily repeat of my actions. My harsh and very hurtful words spoken to you each and everyday. Please understand that my apology is not enough for my heart or yours. Every today, tomorrow- I await for your return. I wish you to have a full healthy, thriving, active life and find the dreams you chase. I wish for one more opportunity to stand with you. To embrace you. Tell you "I'm proud" not only today, but for everyday since you arrived into my life. You are and will always be a phenomenal human being in every single way. Chocolate baby. "I love you beyond infinity!" Love is an "action" and soon you'll not just read my words but see my love by my actions. Forever know, I am here for you! I truly miss you! Imagine being the girl who was one of the living but inside thought she was feeling like one of the dead. Thinking there was no hope and she was hanging by the thread, that girl was "me." The girl who waited for almost seventeen years of her life to find herself finally, at peace.
The Walks of My Life were never easy it took many nights of cries but it also took many nights of faith, losing friends, cutting off family members just to find myself. I had to understand that for mental and physical peace to be obtained, unnecessary people that were existing only to make my struggles harder, had to be released from my life completely. Friendships with people I thought I could entrust my heaviest secrets to; to find out later they weren't who they claimed to be. Finding out what was best for me, even when my mom told me to listen, now I understand why. She said those things because in the end she knew it would hurt me. I was too foolish to listen. Spending my entire adolescent an teenage years; searching for happiness, chasing my idle dreams, addictions, religions to find out who I am as a person and what I believed in and meditating every day to enlighten my soul. I woke up one morning weirdly feeling so alive as the sun bloomed through my sunroom. The spring leaves blowing as the birds sung good morning lullaby's to me. Knowingly, it was a sign I was finally liberated. As if it filled me right to the essence of my soul, I knew from that moment my doors had been opened. My cries turned into smiles. Depression left my body. Life had found its way to give me hope. Nothing remains to stand in my way. I was a dove flying with happiness, only exception, I hadn't grown wings, but strength. Finally, I embraced my tears of complete joy, knowing it was all so bona fide. God knew what he was doing and he saved my life. Life is a struggle but its a battle you conquer for the perseverance to face happiness, find yourself within and your peace of mind. Every time you feel down, remember me as the girl who never left your side. It was on a cold Saturday in the beginning of December; a day before my life took another fatal turn. Just before two weeks of our much anticipated Christmas break. I always looked forward to Christmas. Christmas was/is my favorite season of the year. I always got excited making cookies for Santa Clause. While watching Christmas movies and singing Christmas carols down stairs in the living room; we'd grab our favorite blanket and play board games afterwards. "Candy Land" was my favorite game. I was always the winner.
Around the age of 7 or 8 years old my mom, siblings and I often watched scary movies. One day my mother told me a story about a stranger she called the "Boogey- man." My mother said this stranger had no particular dress, smile, walk, talk or face. She always told me if this stranger appeared, I was to stay away. If he touched me, scream as loud as I could. What my mother never told me was that this "Boogey-man" could possibly be living in our own home. What I never understood is why I never screamed as loud as I could? Why my cries seemed so far, so inaudible? This person was no stranger at all. He was suppose to be my protector. Instead, he was the boogey man my mother once talked about. Causing far more harm than any stranger could. He became my second molester, He molested me for several years. The person who took my complete sense of self-worth away. His awful actions made me feel worthless. The person who took my soul and even as I write today, I feel like I can never regain my soul back as it once was. It was almost as my intestines were torn out of my body physically. But I was still breathing- more like breathing for air but being consciously dead. I could hardly talk. My speech was gone. My body was shaking of devastating fear, my cries were silent. Having (3) other siblings, we loved to play hide-go-seek in the dark. It was (I would say) our favorite childhood game. Tag was our second favorite. Of course, I love to be the person to hide. Counting was boring. Often, my younger sister would hide with me. She was of course, the whisperer who would give away the hiding spot till the seeker came. The youngest then of my mothers four children, just about two years younger than me. The quiet baby girl. I was hiding behind the couch upstairs in the upper loft. My known favorite hiding spot cause I could easily fit through the cracks. I was only about 70 pounds or so. Well, the "Boogey-man" my mother once talked about found me in my hiding spot. As I began to slide out my hiding spot on my belly, I felt a hand grip around my ankle. Laughingly, I said, "You found me, I'll count." My youngest sister was still hiding. Apparently, my seeker wasn't laughing with me. He painfully grabbed me from behind the couch and placed his hands upon my mouth whispering "shh". I was froze at that moment. I knew that from that moment on it was nowhere to run or hide. He took my shirt off. Slowly fondling with my breast. As my pajama pants fell from my waist to my ankles below; he took his hand grabbing my private area. Placing his fingers in my vagina. Whispering in my ear "Don't tell mama or I'm going to kill you." Tossing me over on my back climbing on top of me forcefully yanking his pants down with his knee bent upon mines; he takes his penis and tries to jab it into my private area. As I squealed, "let me go! Please. That hurts!" He never stopped, never even cared. Hoping my sister would come out of her hiding spot to save me. She never appeared. I never told her. Truthfully, I was too afraid to tell anyone. I didn't know how to. After several years of this happening, my sister walked in on him minutes before he repeated this awful act again and she told my mom. In the end, I felt as if everyone hated me for not telling, I couldn't. My fear had won. Not so much as afraid of telling, but afraid of him. Being the youngest sibling, we often protected my sister. What I never told her was, "Thank you for protecting me!" The forgiveness was never for him, it was always for me. My story was never for pity, it was always to set me free. This far cry is no more. Someday someone will be bold enough to tell your story too. Equally, as strong as me. Who cares what others think? The pain will never go away but it will get easier. It will set you free from being harmed again. Too often we have been told not to discuss uncomfortable subjects, I decided, today that changes! Maybe my life was jinxed or maybe I was too young to understand everything in life, but what I never understood was why me? How can people be so cruel? How can you do that to such a young child? How can you do that to a little girl in the first grade and steal her innocence? Well here's my story on how it damaged me physically and mentally.
My earliest damaging memory of my childhood starts in elementary school. I was living with my three siblings (2 girls, 1 boy) , my cousin (a boy), my grandmother and of course my mother. I was the middle child. The "smart mouth" as my family would say. I was the tough one who made sure every body was okay. Singing all around the house, I was the tomboy. Playing with footballs and play wrestling with my siblings an cousin. We were about a couple of ages apart. So here it is. I was in the first grade. One morning gracefully getting ready for school, it was slightly rainy that morning in early November. My school days were enjoyable because we had an afterschool program with fun activities everyday. This particular day was "Friday Movies." We'd go to the art room and watch movies on the TV hanging from the wall. Sometimes I preferred to sit alone to enjoy the movie. I wasn't a fan of loud noise all the time. While I sat alone watching a movie at a table in front of the teachers who seemingly always watched out for me; at least my mom always assumed, I was protected while in the after school program. This cold November day we came to know differently in a very callous way, Once I entered the room, I noticed a face I had never seen before. Once the movie began it was a lot of commotion going on that included this strange face. This was a boy who stood three times my size and height. He was a fifth grader. The teacher placed him to the front of the room beside me after numerous times telling him to be quite in the back. But because of my love of movies, I was quietly paying attention. He slowly made his way close to me. Once he got closer, it was almost as if I was awake living through a nightmare. I could see it. I could feel it. I still remember. But this nightmare was my reality, I have carried it my entire life. We were sitting on the left hand side of the table where nobody could see us. Again, my table was empty. A few minutes later as he was sitting at the table he forcefully grabbed my leg and placed it upon his as I asked, politely,, "Please let my leg go." He refused and held my leg tighter. I cried silently "please stop." This stranger held my leg. Taking the right side of my hand, I was told to "Shut up" angrily. Forcefully, my pants were removed. As he made his way into my panties, my stomach cringed. Inside crying softly, repeatedly times saying, "Can you please let me go?" As I was extremely overwhelmed with emotions, my cries became loud screams. He had fondled me to the point I bled in my underwear. An amazing teacher finally noticed something was strange and looked under the table as blood was on my hands and my underwear.. I was instantly empty of myself. Immediately she rushed me to the front. I could barely move, it was almost like I had died. This was the first mirrored image of my marred life. My mother was called to the school. No matter how much my mom raised hell, advocated for me; it never changed my painful memory and it didn't change the fact he was still attending the school. From that moment forward I was afraid. I was damaged. I was had little faith. I lost myself instantly on that freightening day. "One of the happiest moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you cannot change" -Unknown.
In life letting go is a hard obstacle to face because it's hard to let go when you've been holding on for something so long. I've struggled my whole life with the concept of letting go of certain situations, trust me I've struggled with moving on with my past, ridding myself of grief, guilt and shame. I've struggled with freeing myself from worries and mistakes, past relationships and etc. It was very hard to let go of my past because of the damage it had caused me emotionally and physically and knowing I will never be the same again is the most pain I've ever felt it was like I was unable to release my grip, I always thought that holding on was worth the pain but I had to learn to accept changes, accept what is and let go of what was! later I realized accepting new opportunities wasn't bad after all doors opened up for greatness, and gave me the opportunity to love myself unconditionally no matter what. As well as accepting new friendships, I had to learn "friends" only come around when it was beneficial to them, they didn't support you they support what you did for THEM! I had to learn to let go of a lot of friends I had to change my environment of friends and start surrounding myself with positive energy and good vibes and not even just friends, relationships as well with family it was too many bad vibes I myself decided to change for the better because changing for the worst wasn't me and I refused for it to be me. I had to re evaluate and understand i had to take a "minor step back for a major come back." It was very hard for me to let everyone go whether it was friends, family or relationships even if they did me foul. I loved them or at least i thought i loved them but the truth was I have an amazing heart I never cared how dirty you did me I still stood around but I realized people will take advantage of you, I then couldn't set myself up for failure anymore it was time for a change and that's when i decided today will not be a repeat of yesterday its time for a change! Eventually i was okay with letting people go and moving on I began to start opening up more, becoming more positive, meeting new people, getting to know myself spiritually and God was opening plenty of doors for me. |
AuthorDream Archives
February 2020
Categories |