Maybe my life was jinxed or maybe I was too young to understand everything in life, but what I never understood was why me? How can people be so cruel? How can you do that to such a young child? How can you do that to a little girl in the first grade and steal her innocence? Well here's my story on how it damaged me physically and mentally.
My earliest damaging memory of my childhood starts in elementary school. I was living with my three siblings (2 girls, 1 boy) , my cousin (a boy), my grandmother and of course my mother. I was the middle child. The "smart mouth" as my family would say. I was the tough one who made sure every body was okay. Singing all around the house, I was the tomboy. Playing with footballs and play wrestling with my siblings an cousin. We were about a couple of ages apart. So here it is. I was in the first grade. One morning gracefully getting ready for school, it was slightly rainy that morning in early November. My school days were enjoyable because we had an afterschool program with fun activities everyday. This particular day was "Friday Movies." We'd go to the art room and watch movies on the TV hanging from the wall. Sometimes I preferred to sit alone to enjoy the movie. I wasn't a fan of loud noise all the time. While I sat alone watching a movie at a table in front of the teachers who seemingly always watched out for me; at least my mom always assumed, I was protected while in the after school program. This cold November day we came to know differently in a very callous way, Once I entered the room, I noticed a face I had never seen before. Once the movie began it was a lot of commotion going on that included this strange face. This was a boy who stood three times my size and height. He was a fifth grader. The teacher placed him to the front of the room beside me after numerous times telling him to be quite in the back. But because of my love of movies, I was quietly paying attention. He slowly made his way close to me. Once he got closer, it was almost as if I was awake living through a nightmare. I could see it. I could feel it. I still remember. But this nightmare was my reality, I have carried it my entire life. We were sitting on the left hand side of the table where nobody could see us. Again, my table was empty. A few minutes later as he was sitting at the table he forcefully grabbed my leg and placed it upon his as I asked, politely,, "Please let my leg go." He refused and held my leg tighter. I cried silently "please stop." This stranger held my leg. Taking the right side of my hand, I was told to "Shut up" angrily. Forcefully, my pants were removed. As he made his way into my panties, my stomach cringed. Inside crying softly, repeatedly times saying, "Can you please let me go?" As I was extremely overwhelmed with emotions, my cries became loud screams. He had fondled me to the point I bled in my underwear. An amazing teacher finally noticed something was strange and looked under the table as blood was on my hands and my underwear.. I was instantly empty of myself. Immediately she rushed me to the front. I could barely move, it was almost like I had died. This was the first mirrored image of my marred life. My mother was called to the school. No matter how much my mom raised hell, advocated for me; it never changed my painful memory and it didn't change the fact he was still attending the school. From that moment forward I was afraid. I was damaged. I was had little faith. I lost myself instantly on that freightening day.
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"One of the happiest moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you cannot change" -Unknown.
In life letting go is a hard obstacle to face because it's hard to let go when you've been holding on for something so long. I've struggled my whole life with the concept of letting go of certain situations, trust me I've struggled with moving on with my past, ridding myself of grief, guilt and shame. I've struggled with freeing myself from worries and mistakes, past relationships and etc. It was very hard to let go of my past because of the damage it had caused me emotionally and physically and knowing I will never be the same again is the most pain I've ever felt it was like I was unable to release my grip, I always thought that holding on was worth the pain but I had to learn to accept changes, accept what is and let go of what was! later I realized accepting new opportunities wasn't bad after all doors opened up for greatness, and gave me the opportunity to love myself unconditionally no matter what. As well as accepting new friendships, I had to learn "friends" only come around when it was beneficial to them, they didn't support you they support what you did for THEM! I had to learn to let go of a lot of friends I had to change my environment of friends and start surrounding myself with positive energy and good vibes and not even just friends, relationships as well with family it was too many bad vibes I myself decided to change for the better because changing for the worst wasn't me and I refused for it to be me. I had to re evaluate and understand i had to take a "minor step back for a major come back." It was very hard for me to let everyone go whether it was friends, family or relationships even if they did me foul. I loved them or at least i thought i loved them but the truth was I have an amazing heart I never cared how dirty you did me I still stood around but I realized people will take advantage of you, I then couldn't set myself up for failure anymore it was time for a change and that's when i decided today will not be a repeat of yesterday its time for a change! Eventually i was okay with letting people go and moving on I began to start opening up more, becoming more positive, meeting new people, getting to know myself spiritually and God was opening plenty of doors for me. |
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February 2020
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