Maybe I should've thought about the things I did and how they could affect another human-being? But I just didn't give a damn, never thought about another person's feelings because my life was so jammed. I was a bully. I was careless, selfish. What I didn't know is, I could've made my baby sister take her own, all because of the "damaged" me.
Remember those days we used to play in the sand, run to the park and hold hands, making silly faces as we danced? I wasn't too far in age with my baby sister. Just 2 1/2 years apart. Of course, I was the oldest, she was the baby or as we called her the "chocolate baby", She was the precious little girl who was spoiled and rotten. I would dress up with her and we would be the "twin sisters" , at least that's what most people thought. Although we never looked anything alike, we just dressed alike. I loved the fact I could grow up with a sibling (a girl at that). We could play dress up Barbie and sleep in our Princess tents. Our favorite celebrity was Hannah Montana. I cherish and was closest to my baby sister the most. She was more of the Cinderella girl but we didn't mind wearing our wigs and staying up all night. I must admit I was cruel and she was naïve, I never understood why? Why was I so mean to you? Why I treated you as if I disliked you so much? I felt as if you were more noticed than me. Like I was an outsider and I regret the fact I felt that way. So many times I honestly needed you an still need you. Truthfully, my heart now understands why you never came. But it wasn't you didn't come, you didn't know. The ugly truth, I disliked you for being you. I never hated you. I hated myself. if anything. Numerous days of being so angry with you. My mind never forgot how often I chased you around with a knife feeling rage. Punching you and giving you permanent scratches, bruises; lifetime scars physically and mentally. The first time I seen you cry actual tears you were five and I, seven. You begged me to stop standing in the street waiting for a car to run into me. Feeling suicidal, I did the opposite of what you said screaming your lungs out saying, "PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!" For ten years now, I have wished everyday I could go back and change everything I did to "you", to "us", to "mom" (she loved us unconditionally)! Today, I am still trying to turn the bad memories into good. I was to be your protector. To be there when you felt unsafe. Hold you close even in the darkest days. But I failed then and did the total opposite- I left you filled with so many scars within your heart. Worst than any bully at your school, I made you the distant person you are today. How I wish we were children again? Our fights wouldn't be so ugly. It wasn't fair for you to endure so much starting at the tender age of five. Nothing is fair for me to excuse my wronging's. What I have figured out to be true, "hurt people unknowingly hurt others especially those closest." Never have I blamed you for leaving, but I wish you were here! Each passing day, I pray you were here to stay. Just wishing one more chance so I can be a better sister. Comforting you and making sure you are okay. To tell you, "I'm sorry and I'll never hurt you another day." Life has changed and we have grown but I hold you dearest to my heart! Everyday I am sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you; the tears I made you cry, I’m sorry for bringing you down. People say not to look at the glass as half empty but half full and today, I do. Although it already feels too late, mom always said, "just wait for tomorrow." Now I understand that. The meaning is so much deeper. This is my public apology. The one thing I never gave you. Never apologizing for traumatizing is a daily repeat of my actions. My harsh and very hurtful words spoken to you each and everyday. Please understand that my apology is not enough for my heart or yours. Every today, tomorrow- I await for your return. I wish you to have a full healthy, thriving, active life and find the dreams you chase. I wish for one more opportunity to stand with you. To embrace you. Tell you "I'm proud" not only today, but for everyday since you arrived into my life. You are and will always be a phenomenal human being in every single way. Chocolate baby. "I love you beyond infinity!" Love is an "action" and soon you'll not just read my words but see my love by my actions. Forever know, I am here for you! I truly miss you!
2 Comments
sistaaa ?
10/21/2017 01:07:23 pm
❤❤❤🤞🤞🤞 love yhuu forever && always !
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Khayla
10/22/2017 05:41:46 pm
I enjoyed reading your public apology but I feel as if you should not have dedicated this blog to only your sister. You used “you” a lot which made me feel weird as an outside reader. I still enjoyed every bit of your inner most thoughts & feelings. This was very courageous of you to publicly admit your wrong doing; not many ppl can do this. If you want your blog to really impact others lives, direct your audience to everyone, proofread you’re work more to avoid small grammatical errors & give more detail so the readers will have aspects within your story to relate to. I loved this tho.
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