Growing up, I was always different from my other siblings. I was the comical kid, extremely loving, friendly, the most sociable. Throughout my elementary years, I would have inner thoughts that only I'd understand, visions only I'd see and I dreamed very big! Being the girl who was always the family comedian, setting up shows in my grandma house for "The Caiya Talent Show,". Singing was always my passion. Rihanna was my favorite idol of all times. "Umbrella" and "Unfaithful" had been my favorite songs for many years, those were the only songs I'd perform. She definitely was my role model. Meanwhile, that beautiful "Star" (my family nickname) was also the little girl with hidden secrets. Lots of secrets.
I always pushed to keep fighting my hardest battles but I didn’t understand how I'd fight so hard and nothing ever changed. Being a fighter looking back at my childhood days, yet, now eighteen, I can finally speak the words “I am strong” and recognize the signs of depression and anxiety. My depression and anxiety developed around six years of age. Knowing I wasn’t that kid who was “perfect” in the eyes of those who knew me. Nobody is ever perfect but staying calm, learning to hide in a shell, kept my PERFECT appeal. During my elementary years, I began trying to avoid depression, traveling into a mental state of mind. Into middle school, I spiraled downward going into a reckless phase. Breaking out of my "shell" came the development of bad energy from others. Not understanding enough, I was better off keeping my distance. So did my enlarged inappropriate habits, getting into lots of trouble, selfish and overthinking life. Let's just say, "my middle school years created a drastic change in me." I was getting involved with illegal substances (marijuana, pills, etc.) just to keep my depression from taking the best of me. Hanging with a couple of upper classmen, clueless that they weren't a good influence towards me. But back then I thought they were. Acting out in school, grades failing drastically. Awhile, I thought my future was over repeating. Thinking to myself "I'll never be nothing!" Being that so many people told me that same line, it became embedded into my brain, exactly the words they'd spoken. It became so bad my mom finally gave in and let me leave her residence eighth grade summer to reside with my father. Going to Arkansas with my father gave me the perception of thinking life was going to be better for my mother because she didn't have to deal with all my non-sense I was putting her through everyday. But, she never understood what I was going through. She knew I was a disobedient child, who deserved consequences. In all truth, I was trying to get somebody to really understand me but from her perspectives she figured I was "being grown". Of course, I knew the consequences it was causing me for my actions but I never understood how could my teachers, friends, or relatives not notice a hurt child. Even though I tried leaving that horrible state of rage by leaving Georgia, I’d found myself digging back into the same holes when I arrived in Arkansas. Well eventually I just stopped caring more and repeated my actions. Hoping if I continued these same actions, someone would notice me. Eventually, I decided it was time to stop doing what I was doing since others thought it was attention grabbing not knowing I was mentally, physically and spiritually drained from life itself. I tried to leave some of that negative energy alone but it somehow traveled every where I’d go. You may ask “Why did I put myself through this?” Well I was a child seeking for help with no acceptance of open arms. I was a child asking for questions without listening to guidance. So I started feeling like I had to just say forget everything. Giving up on being social, my eating habits were terrible, losing weight tremendously, couldn’t sleep, becoming distant, leaving pain staking scars on my body, attempted suicides. It almost felt like it was normal repeating the same routine pattern for many years knowing it was very unhealthy. Dealing with all these symptoms was a feeling of overwhelmed fear. I was unable to look people in the eyes, struggling to keep a conversation going. I came off as quiet and distant as well as rude. Anyone who knows me now will tell you, "I’m the total opposite." During, that point in my life my self confidence was low, feeling disgusted every time I’d see a mirror or look down at my skin with scratches and bruises, feeling the embarrassment within myself. Hearing voices in my head saying harsh words, making me almost believe those things I was hearing. I’m very grateful to say now turning eighteen things have been better. Even though I still deal with minor struggles, I don’t let them get the best of me. I did small things which felt like big things to me. Focusing on what I loved, was a true start for me. Writing and doing poetry, pushing myself to become a little bit more social. Even though I’m still an anti-social pessimist, I don’t fear speaking anymore. I found my comfort zone within myself which helped me push through my depression and anxiety. Long gone were the numerous nights I’d stay up for hours and cry. I’ve certainly grown up. However, things aren’t always perfect. It was a long painful journey that built to my success. I can say proudly I’ve cut out all negative energy that was going on in my life and I finally put my mental health first. It took me way too many years to become this person and I don’t want to ever revert back to that old person I once was then. The young woman I am now is phenomenal, smart, beautiful and kind. And, she wants to help anybody out there who feels alone. Who feels like the world is over. Who feels like they have nobody to talk too or comfort them. Remember, you are not alone. I once was you and I wish to share my story with every generation to help another person save themselves from experiencing the horrific life I experienced. So, for those of you out there, I promise things will get better. Just keep pushing! Don’t give up! Stay in the fight! Tomorrow is always better than the day before! If you need a spoken voice, a hand to hold, an ear to listen; I’m always here for guidance, reassurance and comfort. No matter what, I stand with you!! You shall survive!! WE SHALL OVERCOME
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Yesterday, I had a very realistic conversation that I would like to share with you all. Someone asked me "How do you do it!" I didn't quite understand her blatant statement. As we traveled further into conversation, she was asking me, 'How did I gain confidence within myself?" I explained to her in order to find happiness it all starts within you, not other people. YOU!
You have to be the one to remind yourself you are beautiful, you are kind, you are smart, you're everything you have ever dreamed. Don't be the girl who depends on others to determine your worth in ones self. It wasn't easy, I once upon a time used to be the person who depended on others approval. I felt if I didn't look like her, I was ugly or if I didn't dress like that, I couldn't dress. As, I grew older I didn't understand the values of being myself. Many years, I used to be the girl who wanted to follow into the crowds and do what everybody else was doing reaching the age of sixteen. I had to understand following the crowds wasn't cute. It made me regular just like them. I wasn't the person I am now. Explaining to her, in order to "do it" you have to be able to let somethings go not everything needs to be followed. Stop trying to put on this image you have to be naked all the time for attention or you have to wear your hair in a certain style or you have to wear loads of makeup on your face to be "pretty". I'm not saying wearing revealing clothing is bad because its not bad. Its good to have confidence in yourself where you are proud to show your skin that's beautiful, but wear it because your not ashamed too. Wear makeup because you like makeup not because you look at the fact that everybody approves of you in makeup. Do it because its what you like! Don't worry about how those other girls look. YOU are what matters! Stop letting the negative comments of others bring you down. No matter your shape, size or looks your beautiful. Stop trying to add to yourself to gain attention. Being yourself is what deems you worthy of attention, not being somebody your not. If you like it, do it. Wear it. Style it. Make it you! So again when you ask, "How do you do it?" You remember that it is OK because its what you like. The problem with our generation is that we lack depth and that's everything. We try to put on this smile we're someone we're not because we listen and view all these false acts and we think its the normal. We indulge into ignorance instead of the truths. We forget to love one another instead of loving each other. We indulge in drama and hate towards others. We forget to show others respect and not even respect to ourselves, my "love" becomes my "bitch". We're afraid to show true feelings because we feel like if we show feelings were weak individuals. We don't look for real "role models" we look for celebrities. We don't discuss ideas instead we insult ideologies and we create intolerance. We don't have real "dreams" celebrity lives become our dreams. So to explain what's wrong with our generation again; we've grown into a world where everybody is brainwashed from the views of others and even accept the wronging's we are setting our self up for. I suppose "depth" has become a relative term. Really, it's just a way I'd describe someone who puts more thought into others than our self. Someone who lacks self awareness, and the adversity of life. Stop lacking depth and open your mind into the truth about reality.
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February 2020
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