The first time in all the years I've lived I did the most hardest , scariest thing of my life... OPENING UP, I never expressed or opened up about my self or life to anyone like I've always talk about my moods and the things that bother me. tonight we celebrated a birthday & bonded with some amazing LGBTQ friends we decided to share trauma bonds with each other I personally don’t talk about myself for the feeling of being invisible & not understood in the eyes of another human. feeling as if world looks at me in confusion of a unwelcoming face spoken words such as “it’s okay” & “strong” made me really upset when people didn’t even know pain
just slowly watching me drown. Truth be told the times I would randomly speak I want you to remember my face not for being labeled as friendly, weird or strange. Times spoken I’ve contemplated on those being my last days taking a breath writing on thousand of different papers not know how I'm going to dismiss this cold world or lost moments of awkwardness wondering how the world would be at ease. If you see me speak , it’s not acting strange , but the way the world would stare at me... I felt so much Hate . The unspoken voices and the get out my ways don’t even know I would think about how many pills to take today. Space that wasn’t earth but souls been broken feeling so unnoticed , a hopeless , breathless human trying to survive the motion . How many days went by I would lay in the bathroom with a knife hoping to hear my loud obnoxious cries just filled silent creaks and preparation of trying to send goodbyes . For my Good grandmas favorite church song intensive pain in my eyes knowing I don’t want to let go of the knife can’t shake this broken life. Personal guardian angel watching me every day drop to my knees ain’t believe in no god so questions to myself, Why? Why wasn’t nobody noticing the pain in my eyes ? The scars on my side? And the reason my body hurts is cause we just kids playing out side? That was all just a lie . Pills in my system to kill the pain in side , weed at thirteen I was young high school feens keeping me high . Cried to a million faces that shit still hurt deep in side I had to swallow my pride , run away and hide . Mental hospitals tryna tell me I’m crazy knowing this ain’t right . The world was so blind , Eighteen years of struggle when my light gone shine. Tell my friends and they respond “god damn”. “God damn” was the main reason I was tryna see to the end. Nobody to talk to , no one on my side. Mama telling me I’m stupid that she should’ve aborted my life . Daddy trapped in a sick world losing his mind luxurious cars and pretty TVs was the rule of the game anything with depression you was a fool to the brain, got called stupid if spoken on your pain. Silently suffering under water tryna resist all the chaos cause the future ain’t feel pretty, just shitty. Spending years stuck looking for love, my heart just dust all I wanted was some parents to hug a mom with unconditional love cause daddy gave no fucks a game of tick-tack always remained the last box alone. No one to call home Mary j. Blidge run away love mentally gone a glob of black paint drowning my brain every body smiled but I cried today, I tried today, no I love you's , living in a world of fuck you's , but no fuck you . My mouth is spoken, my palms is open speaking the truth of a mental fucked up past . Being a victim of rape at a very young age , Never was the reason to my sexuality a confident women here I stand in front of the world and raise my left hand. It’s hard being a lesbian in a world of strays , mistreatment and hatred getting called out my name . Afraid of what society would say or if my mama found out she gone beat the breaks off me . Maybe tell me to go cause in black family’s “we disgusting little hoes” . Pick up the Bible and proceed to praise you think the god you serve accept you talking about gays? If we both don’t make it to heaven that would kind of be strange . My mom said HER god loves all , so why deny me? The Christians they lack empathy. The god you serve is watching you sink . The way the world go it’s circles like a wind you might end up here always heavy bends. The unacceptance of fitting into reality doesn’t belong to me, made me realize I have to shine like gold . This world is to cold wanting love but steady feeling hatred you don’t like my sexuality so you hurt me till I can’t take it . My mind going crazy hearing faded , repeat to me again “You disgusting ass bitch , yo brother has no kin”. Why? cause I’m a “faggot?” Come on say the word . Yell at me and tell me you leaving. I corrupted his life for talking about rights. I’m not a “dyke” I’m a proud lesbian with a deep open mind . Just because I’m gay doesn’t affect a kids way, why don’t you think of your self? You straight & I'm gay but, because I’m comfortable you disown me. 12/2018 was a message plan turns out crazy when you supposed to be here, tried to make a change but the pills didn’t give dropping to the toilet, my fingers clinching with rage . Yelling in the house screaming “Why not today?”. That B on my side is what keeps me alive . Connected to my grandma , Bradan is the reason I shine . Corrupted life a walking penny but the world seems blind couldn’t notice my pain even when making it visible through eyes. Weakened to the knees my body sunk like a grave , wondering how could a billion of people not notice me. Maybe writing “depressed, killer or suicidal” in big red ink I process to think a person has to notice me . Purposeful slips in public in hopes of concern small little giggles and not even a “you okay?” This world is so twist and blinded with false acts . I killed my self 25 times , but physically is double that cause the blazes wouldn’t glide . It ain’t physically cause my eyes open wide you see but mentally my mind was a imprisonment , every day trying to make sense of it . Afraid to speak my truth scared to make a fool . Thank you to a angel for holding my hand even when it wasn’t physically you was the first person to notice my twisted ends . A lot of people wouldn’t understand I had some “friends” Never had one say , “You falling again?. My world is very different . I’m cautious on friends , thank you to the person who told me wait a little longer . Years went by , storms seem colder , whooshing winds through the breeze . Every day dropping down to my knees . Continuously wondering why the light seems so dark and time seems so short stuck in a maze , scared to gaze . I appreciate that one person she helped me breathe , everyday being told to “wait a little longer” . She said “baby girl your storm gone be over”, impatiently waited while screeching the pin on paper waiting at 5 am just before the sun began to rise snotty tears drenched from my eyes . i waited in the bathroom , smoking papers getting high . Overthinking kills , my soul is on fire , fuel to my flames . Like a crumbled paper slowly falling piece by piece . Every piece that falls i count 1, 2, or 3 , Not physically paper , but my hands they don’t pass four , steady at three . Hyperventilating cause i can’t breath this time it wasn’t a suicidal threat . My body was exhausted tired of fighting them demons, my body knew i was breaking i still get to shaking . Just keep thinking bout that angel who told me to wait. how i know she cares if i never seen her face , made her a promise no self harm today . I lied maybe three times but that was back in the day . February 3 i mixed it up . Never told my story and now i speak up . I speak up on my life . I speak up on my trauma , i speak up on the countless years i spent on depressing, seeking for help to ignored the messages i wanted to die . I speak on the numerous amounts of cries with faces scrunched up ignoring the signs . i speak on the times i asked for help might not have been direct but the amount of hugs i wanted and got rejection. Neglected, mental hospitals cause my life was hectic. i ain’t sick i just needed some acceptance. yeah im grown but this message is hectic , when you read this think of all the lives that’s been rejected , suicides getting hectic , some stronger than others cause they know this world get reckless . Raising hands being for a hint . what kids do to deserve a life like this? it’s them generational curses that’s got this world so broken . Ain’t no love, so innocent lives getting broken , to young to die , living hopeless. This world is a shit totally broken . i speak my truth to the adults who seen children cry countless times , treat them like shit now bodies on the news . U dropped down to your knees so surprised something i won’t forget . I gotta save the world or ima have a fit , the world is corrupted but ima fix each soul that ain’t had love yet . the ones who hug pillows so you can’t hear the cries cause either she’s really hurting or dug 5 more times gotta wear a 2 long sleeve shirt to school cause the blood seeks through ur shirt . Screaming so you don’t kill your self cause your eyes so tight the pain hurts inside , knowing your strong but still feel buried alive . this for the souls not being able to talk about suicide cause family’s don’t know how to take time and make it right call them Mental hospitals , say we sick in side . A kid ain’t just bad watch the pain not through the eyes . The voice, movement , moments and thoughts that remains to hide . The damaged has spoken . i speak my voice , i speak my truth . I speak on the gays who feel so astray cause families say it’s sick to love a certain way. I speak on the innocent ones who lost their lives , the pain was so unbearable they couldn’t water the seeds , Weaked to the knees , towels laying on the bathroom floor with knives thinking countless times why can’t nobody see me . They couldn’t tell they story unbearable cries . This for MY Lgbtq community afraid to speak truth , afraid to leave the house , Afraid to be you cause everyday we wake up the first thing on our mind is fear . Afraid to step out side cause the world so sick they want to hurt our trans , it’s not safe in here . This society is fucked up with a lot of secrets to hide , we never talk ab traumas bundling em all inside . Speak ur truth & shine into the light . Trauma is a topic that needs to be discussed , especially with the LGBTQ community the world gets tough . a closed book that i couldn’t read . but one day i hope my story opens up , this is me speaking on my traumas for the first time in life . it’s hard being a young black lesbian queen in a world so cold , thinking lesbians got it easy until you hear degrading terms that upsets you but scared to give reaction cause it might get hectic . when u walking in public and your palms is sweating cause a man just walked up to you and said “aye baby what’s happening” slowing declining the offerer because you don’t know if they’ll walk away or beat your head in . Afraid to speak my truth cause ion wanna bullet to my brain . being a homosexual is feeling the pain of a trans cause your more scared for them because a evil straight man can’t walk hand in hand and respect the boundaries of my homosexual friends . being a homosexual is not being able to spend long hours outside cause your afraid somebody is watching you today . being a homosexual is afraid to interact with the public cause last night two same gender roles went for a date not knowing they gone get shot cause they gay . these are traumas we (I) deal with every day , but you can’t show the world your weakness cause now a day these men are strange . i gotta cover my face to walk around safe , Trauma is afraid to get out of your car so you sit for 5 mins to contemplate if it’s safe . Trauma is telling a person no as they proceed to follow you with harassment to the car . Trauma is saying you relate to me but have no idea what it takes to be me, this shit deeper than anything . Trauma never goes away even when the depression fades , fear never changes , hearts continue to races , anxiety never fades struggling to control your body to relax but your feet keep ticking and sweat is dripping off your back . Trauma doesn’t mean your depressed , it means you woke up and smiled but afraid of the world because the experience of pain . Trauma is a struggling growth i work with every day , it never goes away but it’s good to speak on your pain
2 Comments
Carlisa
2/11/2020 08:40:54 pm
Success is coming keep striving you got this and keep up the good work I’m proud of you 💓
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Lex
2/20/2020 05:03:54 am
Well written, keep living in your truth. you’ve came so much further than you think!!
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